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Monday, October 31, 2005

Teh Suckage

If Larry Lucchino had a really nice bullpen car, with onboard navigation and all those really nice whosits, I'm sure he would find a way to alienate it and make it leave too.
But I hope it would squirt oil all over Dan Shaughnessy first.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

There is a new baseball Boy and Girls Club ad out

With Derek Lowe and Carlos Beltran and Pedro Martinez and some other guy that I missed because I was too busy plotzing over DLowe and Pedro in NEW UNIFORMS *insert multiple pained frowny face emoticons here* playing with hideous small children.

Obviously there's a lot of be said about this ad (why that particular selection of players? to give me MAXIMUM AGONY? maybe they should have thrown Dave Roberts in there too just for the heck of it), but there was a bit of it that's pertinent to this humble little operation.

Pedro, in the commercial, took the field in a cart. Not quite a bullpen car, it was more of a trainer's cart. But Pedro was driving it, just barrelling along, big grin on his face, his hair flapping, all in his stinky ugly gray and blue and orange Mets uniform and whatnot. *insert more frowny face emoticons*

So maybe if we had gotten a bullpen car in Fenway we could have enticed Pedro to stay.

Le sigh.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

These things take time.

The Tigers had a season preview bit on TV today, and part of it involved the camera following around (third baseman) Brandon Inge and (minor league catcher) Chris Shelton as they attempted to golf (they both sucked).

At one point the two of them were rocketing around in the golf cart, and Inge leaned out to say, "It's always dangerous to get Shelton and me in a golf cart." He then paused thoughtfully and added, "We've been known to flip a few."

He then ran over someone's ball as it sat on the green.

The Detroit Tigers: perhaps not ready for the responsibilities of the bullpen car.

Thursday, March 31, 2005

Page 2 Knows What's Up

"The Braves clinch the National League East with a win over the Phillies, setting off a wild celebration in their locker room. Disaster strikes, though, when shortstop Rafael Furcal, a little tipsy from the champagne, runs over John Smoltz with a bullpen car and knocks him out of the playoffs."


Friday, March 25, 2005

Can be used as currency!

Ever heard the expression, “I’d trade him for a bucket of baseballs?” No? I have. In fact, I’m pretty sure that Rickey Henderson was actually traded for a bucket of baseballs a few years ago. At the time, he was playing for the Independent League Newark Bears and the Dodgers decided they wanted him for the stretch fun. Emphasis on “run.” (Ha! See what I did there with the punning? Woo boy, such comedic genius you did not know to expect from this blog!). Anyway, apparently there’s some super secret rule that mandates that if a major league team wants a player from an independent league team, no compensation need be offered. But oftentimes, as a show of good faith, the big league club tosses a little something the indie club’s way. In Henderson’s case I’m pretty sure the Bears asked for and received a bucket of baseballs from the Dodgers. I’d look up the exact details but frankly Googling “Rickey Henderson traded for baseballs” gives you way, way, way too many sites.

This brings me, in a very roundabout way, to my point. If teams had bullpen cars, they could be used as currency in minor trades. The Red Sox just shipped outfielder Adam Hyzdu (Hyzzzddduuuuuuu?) to San Diego for pitcher Blaine Neal (bastards). Now, the Padres already have Brian Giles, Freddy Guzman, Ryan Klesko, Xavier Nady, Mark Sweeney and Dave Roberts (WHEELS!), plus a few minor leaguers to patrol the grass at Petco. I’m not sure they needed another one. That seems like a surplus of outfielders and there’s sure to be some bottlenecking. Perhaps they were looking to simply unload a pitcher without getting someone in return that would potentially take up a roster spot. Enter the bullpen car (cue trumpets). Reasons why this would work:

  • It’s better than cash because it’s already of practical use.
  • It’s mutually beneficial to everyone on the pitching staff in that it does not favor right-handers more than left-handers.
  • It makes the kids happy.
  • The receiving team can cut down on those freak, turf related injuries sustained by players from walking in from the bullpen on Astro-turf. (Maybe that’s only in football. Either way).
  • The team that gives up the bullpen car doesn’t lose a player that some people (*waves hand*) have come to love.
  • Said bullpen car can be used to carry all those buckets of baseballs.
  • And dude, bullpen car.

The St. Louis Cardinals are already advocating trading Rick Ankiel for “a bullpen car and a bag of balls.” Seems a bit greedy to me but the principle is sound.

I really think this has promise. This could work. This is sound reasoning. Now, who has Selig’s number?

Thursday, March 24, 2005

So I'm reading Foul Ball, and wouldn't you know...

Fifth inning and we're down 3-2. Bases loaded, nobody out. I'm warmed up. I get the signal. I climb into the golfcart that will take me to the mound. Yankee Stadium, and my heart is thumping under my warm-up jacket. It feels like a World Series. As the cart rolls along the clay track in left field I hear the fans saying, "Hey, that looks like Bouton." "Yeah, it is Bouton." My public.

Bouton, Jim. Ball Four. Orig. © 1970 Wiley Publishing Inc., New York, NY. Page 216-217.

Lovely little cameo, I think.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

A Message from a Relief Pitcher

Dear Bullpen Car Girls,

I really admire the work y'all are doing. I was talking with an old reliever a couple months ago and he was telling me how he beat the crap out of some smug jerk back in the day during one of them old donnybrooks. It was a great story, but it made me a little sad.

Y'see, every time there's a fight, us relievers end up looking like tools. We run out across the field--and let's face it, we're not very speedy--and by the time we get to home plate, the fight's over and we've done nothing.

I'm a shitkicker, girls. And just for once, I'd like to get up in some bitchass punk's grille and let him know it. The bullpen car would help me get to the fight faster, and us relievers would finally get some credit for being badasses. Because that's what I am. I smoke my own meats, y'know.

So thanks for all your hard work. And is any of you free tonight?

Off like a prom dress,
An anonymous reliever