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Saturday, March 12, 2005

But a fantastic dream...

The following is a likely scenario that would happen if a bullpen car was brought back to Fenway Park:

Amy: THE BULLPEN CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kristen: We so need one of those bullpen cars again. There would be no end to the hilarity. Millar can be the bullpen car driver. Or they can carry an extra roster spot for the bullpen car driver. Tell me you would not tune in specifically to see Youks driving that thing out to the bullpen and returning with Foulke riding shotgun.

Amy: It is SHAPED like a baseball. That is too damn wonderful. OH OH OH OH! BEST IDEA EVER, KRISTEN!!!! And David Wells could take it from the mound to the dugout when he pitches.

Kristen: Is that far enough to require a breathalyzer test?

Amy: Oh, he'd have to be driven. You never let Wells touch the steering wheel of the bullpen car.

Kristen: But you just know that one day in like, mid June or something, Wells would get hammered before a game, lock Youks in the manager's office and steal the bullpen car keys. They'd annouce the starting lineup and everyone would be all, 'Where's Wells?" and then the garage door opens and the bullpen car comes out with Wells behind the wheel, weaving all over the field and doing donuts in center with Youks chasing him. He'd run the car into the third base bag and stall it. And then a teeny, little airbag would explode and knock Wells out. It'd be awesome.

Amy: We have to bring back the bullpen car.

Kristen: Somehow Millar is involved in this too. I think he probably pantses Youks and pushes him into Terry's office. And Manny is totally standing on the base line and clapping like a little kid while he watches this happen. Varitek is watching it all disapprovingly.

Amy: Because he's given orders to his teammates. And they aren't listening!!!!

Kristen: Yes, and he's the captain, dammit. You have to listen to the captain. Edgah is slowly backing into the dugout, afraid of being run over.

Amy: Edgar and Bellhorn are in the clubhouse, not talking, waiting for it to end so they can play.

Kristen: I think they're eating jellybeans. And Nixon is stalking around looking for someone to fight. And since it's technically a DWI, Schilling runs out to the bullpen car and attempts to put Wells under citizen's arrest.

Amy: And Bill Mueller is rushing about trying to find Matt Clement's inhaler, because you KNOW he's next.

Kristen: And his epi-pen. Mantei is just shaking his head, trying to figure out how long before he can don a toga and start doing kegstands, because he looks like that guy.

Amy: Orsillo has to sit on Remdawg to keep him from leaving the booth.

Kristen: Theo rushes the field, trying to restore order, yelling, "I'll void your contracts! I'll void your contracts!" but Millar catches up to him and pantses him on the pitchers' mound.

Holly: So, who TP's the foul poles?

Kristen: Johnny Damon, but he slips and knocks himself unconscious. All of this would happen if we just brought back the bullpen car. I see no reason why this shouldn't happen.

You can't honestly tell me that you don't want to see that happen.